Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Something special for you! Chapter 12

Tuesday has arrived. I am standing in front of the building. The building the therapists practice is in. I wasn`t sure but I just wanted to be done. Her practice is in the fifths floor. I think I will take the stairs. I hate elevators. I felt the same like in a car, boxed in.  As you would take my air to breathe. At the reception there was a young woman, she could be the same age as I am. I introduced myself and told her that I had my appointment at 5pm. The young woman asked me to wait in the waiting room. 

She told me that Doctor Decker would be there in a minute.

I looked into some interior magazines, maybe I will find some inspiration for the house. I have painted the floor in the kitchen and the living room so far. I have left out a bit so that I could move from A to B in the house. I had decided on painting all the floors white. After some research and collecting ideas, I decided to paint it white but in a way that you could still see the wooden structure.

With that the floor looked more greyish white than snow white. I had just opened a page that inspired me a lot, when Doctor Decker called me into her room. I put the magazine aside and stood up. Doctor Decker introduced herself, talked a bit about herself, probably to win my trust. She then turned to me.

“So Emma, I can call you Emma right?” I nodded. Doctor Decker is older than I expected. The hair short and strict. The eyes ice blue. Not a calming blue as Scotts` eyes had, but a cold blue and a piercing look. But I had promised Doctor Morrison to give it a try.

“How are you feeling?”

“Good,” my answer is short and sharp. After that some questions followed that reminded me more of small talk, than sitting on the couch of a modern female Sigmund Freud talking about my emotional well-being.

“Now Doctor Morrison send you to me, so I got some information, but why don`t you tell me yourself why you came?”

Should I tell her now that I just came to stop Doctor Morrison from asking me to do so? Probably not.
“I had an accident, or to be more precise my family had an accident….”

Doctor Decker nodded at me encouraging, as if she wanted to say `keep going` but I didn`t do so.

“What happened?”

“My parents died and I got seriously injured”, I answered as if I was just marking of another point on my list. I couldn`t show her my feelings. I mean I didn`t even know what I was really feeling, anger, grief, relief, I simply didn`t know. Doctor Decker said her condolences and then continued asking. I avoided her look and with a low voice I said `I don`t know`.

“And what exactly happened during the accident?” she asked again. She was smiling friendly at me and her eyes weren`t cold for the first time, instead they were showing sympathy.

“If you mean how the accident happened….well I can`t remember the accident. Doctor Morrison said that this isn`t unusual”, I was impressed by myself. How easy it was to answer that question.

“Yes, that is right, considering your injuries and the trauma. What is your last memory then?” she wanted to know.

“Maybe from two or three days before the accident.” She nodded and wrote down some notes. Then she wanted me to tell her about the days before the accident. But I blocked it. I didn`t found my words. Doctor Decker tried to talk about something from my childhood, but I wasn`t able to answer her on that either. She asked me about my Hobbies and I couldn`t answer that either, so I just raised my shoulder as a sign of not knowing what to say.

“So what are you doing at the moment with your time? Did you start to work again?”

I knew that it was her job to ask me all this stuff, but all this asking drove me nuts. I decided to answer anyways.

“I am not working at the moment or well I am. I can work from home so I am in charge of how I use my time.” I tried to answer in a friendly and objective manner. I didn`t want to be hear and moreover I didn`t want to talk about my feelings or show my feelings.

“Okay then what do you do when you are not working?”

“I adopted a dog, I moved out of my parents` house. I bought my own house at the other end of the city. I am renovating it at the moment, make it a bit more personalized. I take walks. I read books.”

“Okay”, says Doctor Decker, “todays time is nearly over Emma. I would like to meet you next Tuesday again. I think it can maybe help you to remember, or maybe just to help you get back into everyday life. I will send this as a recommendation to Doctor Morrison.”

Didn`t she understood that this was the everyday life I wanted? I didn`t want back into my old life, what would it help me to remember the accident? But I guess I didn`t had a choice. I didn`t had to talk if I didn`t want to.
I shaked Doctor Deckers hand before I left. I put the appointment card in my bag and left the practice. In front of the building my taxi driver was waiting for me. He would bring me back home to Balu.

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