Monday, December 14, 2015

Something special for you! Chapter 22

She didn`t talk much during dinner, but she had loosened up a bit, at least I had the feeling that she wasn`t as nervous and distant as when I met her the first time. When we both cleaned up the table I noticed that she didn`t had much of the wine, as here glass still looked full. I didn`t has much of it either. Maybe she disliked wine as much as I did. I had just assumed she would like it as she seemed to be from the other end of the city and wine was the usual drink there to a dinner. But I could have been mistaken, I mean what did I know about her? Theoretically nothing except of her name and that she clearly wasn`t able to cook.

She must have noticed that I hadn`t had much of the wine when she put the glasses into the sink, because shortly after she opened the fridge and handed me a beer. She had taken one for herself too so I took the offered beer and thanked her. We both had to laugh. Why did she offered me wine when she didn`t like it herself? And more important why did I thanked yes to it when I didn`t like it. I couldn`t stop thinking about how much easier life could be if we would just speak out thinks like that, instead of fitting into societies expectations just to be polite. Where there was once a smile on her face it was now completely serious and thoughtful. Then she asked me if the basket and surprises on Tuesdays were from me. I was a bit insecure, if I had done the right thing, I didn`t want to scare her, I wanted to cheer her up and show here that I would be there for her and that was exactly what I did explain her. Her serious face lightened up and she assured me that she was very happy about the surprises but she simple hasn`t been sure about me sending them and if they hadn`t been from me it would have been creepy. She seemed relieved now that she knew for sure that they had come from me.

Her eyes were sparkling again and she went to the living room. I followed after her and immediately noticed the incredible view. The ocean, the beach, the distance. Fascinated by the view I sat down beside here on the couch. I couldn`t stop to admire the view. We were silent for a while and I was sure she enjoyed that view too.

“Where did you learn cooking like that?” her question interrupted me in my thoughts. I needed a moment to answer her question.

“My former employer insisted on teambuilding workshops and one of those was a cooking course.

After that I had found a new interest, something that called me down after a stressful day, where you no longer had control over your schedule. It was good to come home and do something relaxing. I did experiment a lot and that is how it all started.” She did listen attentively. The look on her face told me that she was impressed. When she said that she will never be able to cook something eatable by experimenting I had to laugh. Did she seriously thought that all of my crazy ideas were eatable? No, I had to clear that up. “It wasn`t delicious all the time, to be honest somethings weren`t eatable at all.”

Once I said it she exploded in laughter. I couldn`t leave it I had to laugh with her. Her laugh was simply contagious. It wasn`t a fake laugh. It was a laugh from the bottom of her heart. So light and refreshing as the laughter of a child. It was beautiful. It made her beautiful. Not that she was ugly looking, beauty was not just outer appearance for me, beauty is something you radiate and it was exactly what she radiated in that moment. As open and relieved she was right now I wasn`t scared of asking any wrong question.

“What made you move here?” I had asked the question and I didn`t regret it. Although she did seem to escape into her thoughts, to think about what to say, I got an answer. An answer I didn`t expected, because she did move here for similar reasons as I did. But opposed to me she didn`t had a childhood where she could develop her own personality. She had been a puppet of this whole theater from the beginning on and obviously nobody had noticed how much she had been suffering from having to be perfect all the time. It is already hard to be perfect around strangers to not make any mistakes, but having to be perfect in your own home around the people who should love you unconditionally, not making any mistake, this pretty much describes the life of a goldfish in a glass bowl. She must have felt as if she was drowning and I could understand why she wanted to escape from all this and admired her for taking this step. I had taken the same step three years ago and had lost all of my friends by doing so. I had already broken with my family years before that so I knew exactly how she must have been feeling right now. She also didn`t knew what to do with this new personal liberty.

Exactly as I had in the past and when I thought about it I haven`t done any of the things I wanted to do once I had moved here. Now I was completely sure that she was from the other end of the city, although she hadn`t said it yet. Maybe I should ask her anyway?

“So you are from the other end of the city?” I hear myself asking. She confirmed my question and seemed a bit more distant again. Did she think she had made a mistake? Before she even tried to live a life outside of here comfort zone.

My curiosity was endless. We had so much in common and somehow I got the feeling that that wasn`t it. But if she regret her decision this could pretty fast become the end.

“Do you like it here?” I asked her.

Her answer was short but I understood from it that she liked it but that she didn`t know how to put it in words. She stayed silent after her answer, looked out of the window. I gave her this moment of time that she seemed to need. It wasn`t uncomfortable or embarrassing. It was something special, something I had never experienced in my life yet.

“Are you from here?” she had taken her eyes from the incredible view and was looking at me. Like her I had to think for a little while before I was able to answer her. Of course I could have just answered `no` but she had given me an honest answer and I would do the same.

“I moved here three years ago. I had a very stressful job. The entourage was very superficial and after seven years I was sick and tired of being reduced on my apartment, my car and my suit. So I did escape. Escaped from my everyday life. I wanted to see something new. And this place here is so far away from what I was used to that I thought it would be perfect for a fresh start.” She had listened curiously. She had looked me in the eyes and listened. After I had told her my story I saw that something had changed. We had a connection. A connection that I had already noticed when she told me her story and now she was able to feel it herself. I got a lot of my questions answered but there was still one thing I wasn`t sure about and that was her insecurity.

“Is it the fresh start that makes you so insecure?” Emma looked up. Looked me into the eyes and then out of the window while answering my question. She had the feeling of being lost, not knowing who she is. She had so many things she wanted to do once she had started all over but she didn`t even knew how to do them. I had a similar list of things I wanted to do but then I got lost in surfing and never started to do all of the things.

Maybe the time has come now. The time to work on ones dreams.

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